Abigail Van Buren Advises Readers on Holiday Gratitude and Rent Collection

Abigail Van Buren responded to reader inquiries on November 3 regarding household finances and holiday etiquette.

The first letter came from a Chicago resident who described a long standing tradition of exchanging Christmas gifts with a sister in law living out of state. The writer noted that her sister stopped sending presents after a difficult divorce, a change the writer attributed to financial strain. Despite the lack of reciprocal gifts, the Chicago family continued to ship items to the sister in law's children. The writer expressed frustration because the children never sent thank you notes or any other acknowledgment. Her husband dismissed the silence as a minor issue, but she sought confirmation that she was not wrong to feel slighted. Van Buren agreed with the reader, stating that the husband was incorrect. The columnist advised that children should learn early to acknowledge gifts via note, call, text, or email. She placed the responsibility on the parents for failing to teach basic manners. Van Buren suggested the reader ask her sister in law if she is still comfortable receiving gifts, noting that the lack of gratitude might stem from guilt over the inability to reciprocate.

A second letter came from a woman who has been divorced for ten years and is near retirement. She retained her house in the divorce, which is almost paid off. Her daughter, age 40, her son in law, age 42, her son, age 36, her nephew, age 42, and her granddaughter, age 12, all live in the home. The woman moved out to a friend's paid off house. The adults in the household are employed full time. The original plan was for them to pay rent until the granddaughter graduates from high school in six years. Currently, only the son and nephew pay rent regularly. The son covers all utilities. The nephew was recently diagnosed with end stage renal disease and is beginning dialysis. The daughter and son in law have not paid consistently despite verbal reminders and text messages sent a week before the due date. The woman intends to use the money for her retirement fund, aiming to retire at age 70 or 72. She does not want to evict the daughter because the house is in a top school district.

Van Buren suggested enlisting the son and nephew to apply social pressure on the delinquent couple. The columnist recommended drafting a formal lease contract that includes penalties for late payment and requires all adults to sign. She advised setting up direct monthly bank transfers and maintaining a firm, professional demeanor. Van Buren also suggested consulting a lawyer for options other than eviction to encourage prompt payment.

The Dear Abby column was founded in 1956 by Pauline Phillips. Jeanne Phillips wrote the column for nearly four decades. The column is now written by Abigail Van Buren. Readers can contact the column via its website or by mail to P.O. Box 270135 in Kansas City, Missouri.